Where’s the cat?

Honestly, I don’t particularly care for cats. I don’t hate them, I’m just completely apathetic towards them. They don’t do anything, other than eat and poop and sleep. They contribute nothing to society. They can’t protect you. They don’t do interesting tricks. They don’t even love you. They have absolutely no loyalty whatsoever to anything other than the idea of their next meal. They lounge around the house all moody and disagreeable. Maybe they will give you the honor of petting them. Maybe not. Maybe stay 5 feet away from it or it will scratch you whilst making some hideous sound. And yes, it will leave hair about. Here. And there. And over there. Oh, and some over here too.

At least a dog cares about its owner. You would have to be an absolute horror of a human being for your dog to stop treating you like you are the president of the universe. A cat on the other hand considers itself the master of the house. You are the pet in this relationship. Feed it, and in return you may bask in its presence for a moment. Forget to feed your dog, and it will lie around feeling sad. Forget to feed your cat, and you are now being hunted. I just don’t understand the appeal of having a cat, other than just the desire to have another living animal in your presence. They don’t play with you! They’re not loveable. They don’t run to the door when you come home, they don’t get sad when you leave. They just don’t care one iota about anything. Except when they’re hungry, or when they have an itch on the back. Then they know you. Then they will give you the pleasure of their company. And you don’t dare move until they are ready to move. Otherwise, your legs will be turned a lovely shade of red.

There was this cat at the school in Honduras that would get pregnant 2 or 3 times a year. Yet if you look around the school, you only see a total of about 4 cats. You know why? You know what the cat would do to its tiny, cute baby kittens? Let’s just say it was theorized that the cat would only get pregnant when it was hungry…

 

This is how the average housecat looks. And what you see there is the extent of exercise it gets in a normal day.  I know it sounds like I hate cats, but I really don’t. I don’t mind them, I just don’t see what purpose they serve. A dog can serve a purpose – as a friend, a protector, a guide, a detective, a playpal for kids. A cat doesn’t do any of that. A cat is about as functional a pet as is a goldfish. Look at it this way: if you are alone in the house with your dog, and you get hurt or die, the dog will bark and yell and howl all day and night until someone hears and comes to check. If it can, it will break through a screen or a door and not run away, but go and bring someone back. You know what a cat will do if something terrible happens to its owner? Wait for you to die, and then eat you. Traitorous monsters is what they are.  

A dog can have an unconditional love for its owner. A cat can have an unconditional love for itself. I really didn’t mean for this to be a comparison of cats and dogs, but that’s the natural progression of the discussion, I think. If someone is in a depressed state and they need some motivation to get out of bed each day, then sure a cat can fulfill that need adequately. Because it will not let you sleep until it has been fed. But if you want a companion, then to me a dog is a better choice. A dog looks at you and thinks “Oh master! You are my best friend and I love you! I want to play with you and kiss you and be with you forever!” A cat looks at you and thinks “Feed me or I shall feed on you.” Seriously, who invented cats? I’m kind of afraid of them, honestly.

Musings of a pug

Look at it. Sitting there. Taunting me. Me wants. Me can’t get. Me can’t have. I don’t know how it got there, but I know that it doesn’t belong there. It belongs in my belly. I don’t even know what it is. I want it anyway. After all, why shouldn’t I eat it? It smells like food. It looks like food. It must be num-nums. So golden, so delicious, so crunchy.

There’s no one else here but me. They’ve left me all alone once again. There’s food in my bowl, but it’s brown and dry and smells like processed, dehydrated, machine separated gobbledy-gook. Not like this…this little piece of heaven, sent here by an angel, filled with all the delights of…um…something. Why shouldn’t I have it? That fat one sits and eats all the time. Nobody stops him. Whenever he gets up off the couch, it smells awful. Like hot sick. At least I mark my territory outside. Nasty pig.

Perhaps this is a test. They left this here to see if I would take it. To see if I could take it. I can’t reach it. I would have to climb on the furniture which I have been told not to do! But, oh the lengths I would go to so that I might possess this morsel! Maybe if I don’t eat this one, as a reward I will get 3 of them! Plus this one! But what if I don’t eat it, and then it turns out it wasn’t a test, and the fat one shovels my reward into his fat mouth!! Woe is me I would be devastated! That would be like, the absolute worst thing ever. EVER.

I bet this thing tastes even better than snails. It smells a lot different, but it still smells like something I definitely should eat. Immediately, if not sooner. Ahhh my belly! I haven’t eaten in like, an hour! This is ridiculous. I’m gonna eat it. They won’t notice, they probably don’t even know that it’s here! I’ll eat it, and I’ll be satisfied, and they’ll be none the wiser. Even if they do know that they left it here, and I eat it, how could they possibly know that it was me who ate it? By then it will be in my belly, not in my mouth. There is no way that they could know I ate this, beautiful, shiny, crunchety nugget of…of…look, a bird!

I am dying! If I don’t eat this thing soon, I will definitely die. No question about it. That’s it! They knew that I was dying, so they left this for me as medicine! Oh they love me so much! Even the fat one! He sometimes let’s me lick his fingers! There’s always a peculiar taste, it’s juicy and cold and reminds me of that thing I ate in the backyard that one time! So, I’ll eat the medicine and everything will be good. But…I can’t reach it! I’ll have to jump on the furniture and the last time that I jumped on the furniture they told me not to jump on the furniture! unnngghhhh I can’t get it! Can’t reach it with my paws, can’t reach it with my tongue, can’t even reach it with my eyes!

Me wants it. Me needs it. Me shall have it. But me can’t reach it. Wait, if I jump on the furniture now, they wouldn’t know! No way. I’ll jump on, eat the…thing, then jump off. They won’t know that I was on the furniture, and they won’t know that I ate the goody. It’s almost too easy. Wait, where did I bury my bone before? What? Where is my bone? And my tennis ball? And my rope? And my squeaky toy? I have to gather them, now! I can’t believe this! My stuff! I need it right this instant! That rug looks comfortable. I’m gonna take a nap.