Mixed Nuts

I want you to take a good, long look at this container. Look past the elegantly simple black-on-blue & white color scheme. Pay no mind to the beautiful pop of the contrasting nut color. Ignore the dirty joke that just entered your perverted mind.

Look closer.

Notice it doesn’t simply say “Mixed Nuts.” No, no – that would be an understatement. It says “Deluxe Mixed Nuts.” And not only does it say that, if you look closer as previously instructed, you’ll notice that the word “Deluxe” is in bold. In case you had any grievous misconceptions about the product you were considering, you’ve just been shocked into reality.

And why shouldn’t it be deluxe? Look at those vivid pictures! Or simply look at the list on the side. Cashews. Bam! Who doesn’t LOVE cashews? Nobody, that’s who. Pure, sweet energy in those. Almonds. Boom! Everyone’s favorite non-meat source of protein. Pecans. Whoo! Be honest – you didn’t even know you could get pecans outside of a pie, did you? Well, the word’s out – you can.

But wait – there’s more!

Brazil nuts. Kap… – wait, what the hell are those? Who knows? They’re in there, though. That’s what it says. I’m not exactly sure why Brazil gets its own nuts, but it’s written right on the Deluxe container there, so they must be real. They’re big. Like Brazilian butts? And do Brazilians simply call them “nuts”? To be honest, I’m not convinced they belong among the Deluxe group. Not to be racist, but I don’t think they’re all that special. They’re weirdly shaped, weirdly colored, and weird tasting. To be clear, I’m talking about the nuts.

Anyway, there’s one last nut. Wait for it… Pistachio. Nuts. Mother. Humper. Pistachios! No fingernail ruining shells. No shirt ruining red dye. Just those delicious little nuggets of nut joy. The mere presence of pistachios, in my humble opinion, makes this a masterful motley of mixed nuts. One might even call this mixture…deluxe.

So there we have it. Cashews, almonds, pecans, Brazil nuts, pistachios. Five-nut draw, indeed. They call it “Deluxe” – and why shouldn’t they? Have you seen the ingredients? With the exception of those weird Brazil nuts, it has all the best nuts. And you’d better believe it come with a deluxe price tag, worthy of the mixture. Why, it costs almost as much as the one with that terrifying, anthropomorphic, bespectacled, aristocratic peanut on the label.

So here’s the point. I bought this deluxe, ridiculously expensive mixture in order to have daily access to a reasonably healthy snack. Cashews – energy, almonds – protein, pecans – improved digestion, Brazil nuts – who knows, pistachios – antioxidants. All along with healthy fats and high fiber content. Perfect snacks for healthy people and old folks. Oh – another thing I like is there are no peanuts. When I was a kid, all mixed nuts contained peanuts. And it was more like a can of peanuts with a couple of broken pieces of other nuts sprinkled in. So, no peanuts means a more proportionate mix. One would think.

As you may have surmised by the last three words of the previous paragraph, the mixture isn’t quite balanced. But, you know what? It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like I expected an equal amount of each nut – that’s crazy. I didn’t open the container looking for a utopian society of nut equipoise. It was only after snacking from this container that I noticed something. And it wasn’t a visual discovery, but one of taste. Texture. Consistency. Crunch. Brazil nuts are tossed of course, because – well, they’re stupid. But cashews, almonds, pecans, and pistachios all have their own distinct texture. Pecans, being the most individual. It’s more of a “soft crunch,” if you will. They require less jaw pressure, less tooth strength. So as you’re unconsciously tossing back small handfuls of these deluxe mixed nuts, you tend to notice, more often than with the others, when you have caught the rare pecan. That difference provides a respite of sorts from the hard work your mouth must put in to crunch the cashews, almonds, and pistachios.

Rare. That’s the word I have chosen. Because this is what pecans are in this can of so-called mixed nuts. As I noticed fewer and fewer respites, I began to pay closer attention to the innards of the container. It was almost all cashews and almonds. Now, what with cashews and almonds being the kings of the nuts, this wouldn’t usually be a thing worthy of complaint. But I was promised a “Five-Nut Draw,” not a “Two-Nut and the Odd Other-Nut Draw.” There were also far fewer Brazil nuts, but those are loser nuts anyway, so good riddance. But where the hell are the pecans? There’s pretty much one pecan for every ten or twelve cashews and almonds. Excessively disproportionate, I think. At this price? Unacceptable.

What can I do about it? Return it for lack of pecans? It doesn’t explicitly say how many of each nut the container should contain. The very name “Five-Nut Draw” is a play on Five-Card Draw, which is a version of poker. It’s a gamble. You may get 50 pecans, you may get 15. That’s the chance you take, I suppose. I bought another can, and even bought the more expensive Planters version of this same mixture. It was all the same! A conspiracy on the part of the powerful nut cartels? Are they keeping the pecans to themselves? Is there some pestilence affecting the pecan crops around the world? What could possibly be the excuse? Cans of just cashews and just almonds are almost as expensive as this deluxe mix, so it can’t be that they’re filling the can with cheaper nuts, as was done during the great peanut despair of the 80’s.

You may ask “If you love pecans so much, why not just buy a small bag of pecans”? I would respond by saying it’s a matter of principle. It’s not that I’m infatuated with pecans. In fact, I could take them or leave them. But they’re supposed to be in the mix. And I like the consistency when pecans are mixed with cashews, almonds, pistachios, and the nut that shall not be named. I paid for a deluxe mix, and dammit, that’s what I want.

Where’s the cat?

Honestly, I don’t particularly care for cats. I don’t hate them, I’m just completely apathetic towards them. They don’t do anything, other than eat and poop and sleep. They contribute nothing to society. They can’t protect you. They don’t do interesting tricks. They don’t even love you. They have absolutely no loyalty whatsoever to anything other than the idea of their next meal. They lounge around the house all moody and disagreeable. Maybe they will give you the honor of petting them. Maybe not. Maybe stay 5 feet away from it or it will scratch you whilst making some hideous sound. And yes, it will leave hair about. Here. And there. And over there. Oh, and some over here too.

At least a dog cares about its owner. You would have to be an absolute horror of a human being for your dog to stop treating you like you are the president of the universe. A cat on the other hand considers itself the master of the house. You are the pet in this relationship. Feed it, and in return you may bask in its presence for a moment. Forget to feed your dog, and it will lie around feeling sad. Forget to feed your cat, and you are now being hunted. I just don’t understand the appeal of having a cat, other than just the desire to have another living animal in your presence. They don’t play with you! They’re not loveable. They don’t run to the door when you come home, they don’t get sad when you leave. They just don’t care one iota about anything. Except when they’re hungry, or when they have an itch on the back. Then they know you. Then they will give you the pleasure of their company. And you don’t dare move until they are ready to move. Otherwise, your legs will be turned a lovely shade of red.

There was this cat at the school in Honduras that would get pregnant 2 or 3 times a year. Yet if you look around the school, you only see a total of about 4 cats. You know why? You know what the cat would do to its tiny, cute baby kittens? Let’s just say it was theorized that the cat would only get pregnant when it was hungry…

 

This is how the average housecat looks. And what you see there is the extent of exercise it gets in a normal day.  I know it sounds like I hate cats, but I really don’t. I don’t mind them, I just don’t see what purpose they serve. A dog can serve a purpose – as a friend, a protector, a guide, a detective, a playpal for kids. A cat doesn’t do any of that. A cat is about as functional a pet as is a goldfish. Look at it this way: if you are alone in the house with your dog, and you get hurt or die, the dog will bark and yell and howl all day and night until someone hears and comes to check. If it can, it will break through a screen or a door and not run away, but go and bring someone back. You know what a cat will do if something terrible happens to its owner? Wait for you to die, and then eat you. Traitorous monsters is what they are.  

A dog can have an unconditional love for its owner. A cat can have an unconditional love for itself. I really didn’t mean for this to be a comparison of cats and dogs, but that’s the natural progression of the discussion, I think. If someone is in a depressed state and they need some motivation to get out of bed each day, then sure a cat can fulfill that need adequately. Because it will not let you sleep until it has been fed. But if you want a companion, then to me a dog is a better choice. A dog looks at you and thinks “Oh master! You are my best friend and I love you! I want to play with you and kiss you and be with you forever!” A cat looks at you and thinks “Feed me or I shall feed on you.” Seriously, who invented cats? I’m kind of afraid of them, honestly.

Sports, Weather & Other Important Things

The thing that bugs me about weather is that any sudden, extreme change in temperature is an almost guarantee that I´m gonna get a cold. I mean even if I´m feeling as healthy as I ever have, hopped up on vitamins and minerals daily and dressing appropriately; if the temperature hits a high of 90 one day and a high of 65 the next, I am bound to begin sniffling and sneezing and coughing. But I can´t complain about it because I love cold weather, which is what makes it even more annoying that I get sick whenever the weather turns.

A few nights last week I had to resort to sleeping in long pants. I don’t think I´ve done that since I was living in Dallas, which was quite some time ago. The weather was low and cool during daylight for almost the entirety of last week, then a break on Friday, and back to the cool yesterday. Today the sun has come up, but it´s still relatively cool. The nights have been consistently nice, though…which is nice. Today I got up and decided to go to the Sunday Market and purchase a blanket, which is almost a guarantee that it´s going to warm up again very soon. But no matter. Better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it, am I right?

So why have I written all this endlessly fascinating information on my blog? Is it to give people an accurate idea of how the weather is here in Cofradia? Is it to complain about getting my 5th cold in 3 months? Is it simply to fill up this blog post with words so that it is bigger than it needs to be? We may never know the answer to that question, but rest assured, I will continue my search.

So I mentioned the decent weather on Friday (aside from some slight drizzles in the afternoon), which was pretty warm. Friday was the day we had the school Olympics. Kids from each grade in the school, along with the teachers and volunteers, are split into 5 ¨houses¨, represented by the colors blue, green, orange, red and yellow. Kids are awarded ¨house points¨on a daily basis based on different criteria. For the Olympics, each house was designated a country, often determined by the nationality of the volunteers. For this year´s event, the countries were: Australia, The Bahamas, Canada, Ireland and Japan.

The kids took part in 8 different events throughout the course of the day. Only 2 were traditional sporting events, those being the sprint and the relay. The other events were the ball toss, limbo, sack race, 3 legged race, tunnel ball and tug of war. Of these events, the volunteers also took part in limbo, sack race, 3 legged race and tug of war. Of course it goes without saying that I fell over whilst attempting the sack race. I am not too proud to admit that I am not adept at hopping around with my legs bound up in a tiny sack.

The kids had a blast, and the day as a whole was pretty fun. The only negative to the day is that even though we don´t know the official results yet, I´m pretty sure The Bahamas team finished no better than 4th overall. Actually it´s not really a negative because honestly it means very little to me, but it was the team I was on, so doing better would have been cool…oh well. Another positive to the day was that I was able to procure a jar of guanabana (sour sop) jam, which is rather tasty indeed. Sorry to say I do  not have any pictures to post at the moment, but pictures were taken, I assure you. Just not by me. If I find some that are worth posting, I will. Otherwise, it´s just a matter of time before they are posted to the Cofradia´s Bi-lingual School page on Facebook, so you can see them there.

So that´s the news for today. My sniffles are slowly going away, but the pesky phlegm filled coughing is still in full force. Oh yea, and there are only 2 weeks left until Christmas break, so if anyone wants to be Santa for me and send me a box full o´surprises to help pass the time while I´m stuck here (mostly by myself because pretty much everyone else is going somewhere), then it would be greatly appreciated. Now that my shameless begging is complete, I will stop typing.

How about this heat

I have a problem with small talk. For the most part, it’s completely useless. The only real purpose it serves is to distract us from real issues that might be difficult to talk about for whatever reason. Current affairs, social issues, politics, religion, the economy; no. I want to talk about the weather! Fine weather we’re having, huh? Sure has been raining a lot! How about this heat! Who cares???? The weather is the weather; I can see it just as well as you. There’s no need to discuss it. Ok then, let’s go over the excruciating minutia of every single little detail of your boring life. What time did you wake up this morning? Oh, you got to work late, huh? How inconvenient! Wow, you had ham and cheese for lunch again? Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?

Why is it so difficult to talk about things that are not boring? Everyone says that they hate being bored, yet they love to embrace it in their discussions. I find it difficult to believe that there are that many people walking this earth that have absolutely nothing interesting to say. Nothing new to talk about. No valid opinion on what’s happening around the world. I mean if that is the case, then what a sorry state this world is in. Even if you spend all day everyday locked in a cubicle punching numbers into a computer, you still should have something to say about something other than spending all day everyday locked in a cubicle punching numbers into a computer. I mean they haven’t turned us all into robots…yet.

Is it that people are just afraid to voice their opinion? Maybe they think they will sound ignorant, or maybe they feel their opinion isn’t valid, so best to keep it inside. I am in no means advocating jumping into a conversation that you know nothing about, but if you know something, anything, and have something to say on it, then share. Don’t be afraid. If it leads to an argument, then fine. Do your best to win the argument. It may not, though; it may lead to quite an intellectually stimulating discussion, and you may learn some things as well as teach some things. The point is to share, get involved, and have something to say.

On the flip side, we all need to learn when it’s best to say nothing; many times even quiet is better than unnecessary small talk. Listen for a while, and if you feel you have something worthwhile to contribute, then speak up. If you can think of nothing other than the weather, you can probably go ahead and keep it to yourself. Silence can be golden, as they say; especially if your lack of silence will lead to a case of foot-in-mouth disease. Don’t speak for the sake of speaking; speak for the sake of sparking a lively debate, an interesting conversation. Speak with the intent to learn something or to impart some knowledge. Just don’t be afraid to speak if you feel that what you have to say is worthwhile. As for not being sure of that, play it by ear. Use your instinct; if it feels like it will add something to the room, go ahead and take the chance. Don’t, however, interrupt a real conversation with uninteresting, unnecessary drivel. That should be kept to yourself, please.

Small talk just seems to be permeating our society at an alarming rate. More and more people have less and less to say about important things, and more and more to say about stuff nobody truly cares about. Society has become weak-minded, afraid to take the chance of hurting someone’s feelings, or worse yet, having their own feelings hurt. I have news for you: it happens. It’s an unfortunate part of life; nobody, regardless of how much you may try to shield yourself or others, is going to make it to their deathbed without ever having their feelings hurt. Not gonna happen. Accept that, deal with it, and get on with your life. I don’t advocate going out of your way to insult someone; not at all. But if you are going to say something that is about something, and not just engage in frivolous small talk, understand that there is always a chance someone won’t like what you’re saying, and they may reply with something you yourself won’t particularly care for. But that’s the way it works. Hopefully it can be resolved with a friendly debate, but if not, no need to get your panties in a bunch.  Agree to disagree and move on to something else. That or poke them in the eye and run away.

Let’s all make a habit of having at least one important/interesting discussion a day. With anyone, it doesn’t really matter. Of course, some people will yield better results than others; but that’s fine. I think it would be good practice for everyone. It changes your mindset; it opens you up to learn new things, possibly change your opinion on something and if nothing else, gives you experience in the forgotten art of conversation. So the next time you run into some artsy fartsy know-it-all who has an opinion on everything under the sun (stop looking at ME.), you can give it right back to them and maybe even put them in their place. How great would that be? Here comes this loudmouth who wants you to know how smart he is, and you shut him up not with your fists or angry words, but with wit and charm. They hate that, you know.

We don’t have to be up to date on all the happenings of the world. That’s what CNN is for. Just pick bits and pieces that interest you and learn something about them. Or listen when others who seem to know what they’re talking about are speaking, and see what you can pick up. Just leave the weather out of it. Leave the little details of your daily life out of it. Leave the stories of your past that interest only you out of it. Realize that not everyone wants to know your opinion on everything, but if you pick the right time and the right place and the right words, I believe you may open up a whole new world. Your next family get-together will be much different and entertaining as well. For you anyway. Uncle Bob is still worrying over those clouds outside.

Court of stupidity

So I was at the courthouse today to deal with a ticket I recently received for not wearing a seat belt; which by the way I feel is utter horse crap. I mean if we’re talking about me not ensuring a child in my car is not wearing a restraint, that’s one thing. But if I’ve taken it upon myself to not protect my body and brain from grievous physical harm, then whose business is that besides my own? My feeling is, if it is not a crime to smoke a cigarette or drink alcohol or take part in potentially dangerous activities (skydiving, bungee jumping, eating fried chicken), why should it be against the law to not wear my own seat belt?

It’s the same thing with the helmet law for motorcycle and bicycle riders. If I don’t have enough sense to try to protect my own brain from being damaged, why is it such a high priority to keep me alive? Whatever happened to survival of the fittest? Seems to me we’re keeping far too many outright stupid people alive and kicking than should be allowed. It changes the fabric of our society for the worse. Yes, some people do need to be protected from themselves, but who are we kidding? Mental retardation is an understandable thing. Abnormal learning and cognitive abilities is understandable. These things are tolerable, and should be looked at with respect. Stupidity should not.

Look, if you are perfectly willing to engage in behavior that is known to have serious repercussions, then that is all on you. You’re allowed to do it, so go ahead and do it. And then as the case may be, you suffer the consequences. If that means wiping some of the stupid people off the planet, then so be it. We’ll all be better off for it, and so will the future generations.

I’m not saying that everyone who chooses to not wear a seat belt or helmet is stupid, but we all by now should know the risk that is being taken. And if it is just a personal risk (i.e. no kids in the car), then I say allow it. If I’m driving down the road at 50mph not wearing a seat belt, and another car plows into me, who am I going to hurt? Me, that’s it. The car is a different story. But my not wearing a seat belt when alone in a car doesn’t endanger the lives of others. It just doesn’t. If I am in the driver’s seat (which I would have to be for the purpose of this writing), it is unlikely that I can become so much of a human missile that I can harm other people.

We’ve become too protective these days. I know and understand the value of human life, and I don’t take it for granted; but I also see the direction society is heading. Too soft, too lazy, too unreliable, too feeble, too stupid. The elderly are hanging on way past their expiration date and the stupid are surviving and choking the life out of the intelligent. A few bad apples always ruin the whole bunch; that’s nature. Same with people. If you infect a large group of semi-intelligent beings with a handful of morons, the intelligent folk won’t convert the morons. You know why? Because they’re morons. They were born stupid and they will die stupid. That can’t be helped. So why should we prevent them from harming themselves? Stupid people aren’t stupid because they don’t know any better; they’re stupid because they do know better. That’s why they’re dangerous. Lawmakers shouldn’t have enough time on their hands to come up with ways to protect the lives of stupid people; they should be coming up with ways to protect us from them.

Back to the courthouse. I was scheduled to be there at 10 to plead guilty or not guilty about this ridiculous fine. The amount of which, I might add, the issuing officer was unable to convey to me at the time he issued it. Forget about the fact that I am unable to just go in and pay the fine, no no no that would be too easy. They don’t have a “system” for that. So even if they did have this “system”, I couldn’t do it because the guy has no idea how much the fine will be. Incompetence reigns supreme once again.

So I’m standing there, along with several other people who are waiting to go before the judge. The inside of the courtroom is full of people and police officers. You know who isn’t there? The judge. No, he doesn’t show up until 11. So it occurs to me that this 25-30 or so people who are all standing around waiting for the judge to show up, are all here instead of at their respective places of employment. How many hours of work are being missed, assignments not being completed, customers not being served, money not being put back into the economy simply because the judge can’t be at work on time? Inefficiency reigns supreme once again.

The future is at stake here. The children’s lives are at risk. The examples on how to live, think and act are poor indeed. It’s cycle of ignorance that continues through the generations, and what a sad thought that is. Isn’t it all about the kids? Those poor, stupid kids? Unfairly and unknowingly handed down the disgusting stupidity gene by their stupid parents? These little acts of stupidity completely ruining the fabric of the economy, and society itself. Have you ever thought about it that way? What may seem like an inconvenience is actually another tear in that delicate fabric.

Is ignorance really bliss? Or is it just ignorance? I’m thinking if you are blissful in your ignorance, then you are too ignorant to really know if you are truly blissful in your ignorance. Redundancy reigns supreme once again.