Volunteer

I think I’m looking for purpose. Or maybe fulfillment. Or maybe I just need to get lost in the middle of nowhere for a while; you know, fall off the map? If that’s my reasoning, is it a bad thing? Just head down to a hot, dirty country where I don’t speak the native language, I don’t look like the citizens, and it will be assumed that I am a rich tourist. Should be easy enough to fall off the map there, don’t you think?

Here it is. I’m moving to Honduras for at least 10 months, to volunteer at a bi-lingual school. I will be teaching young kids English mostly, among a variety of subjects. I barely speak Spanish. They barely speak English. Sounds like the perfect recipe for a Mexican sitcom! It could be called “Los niños del gringo”, and I would play a hapless English teacher at a Mexican high school who gets into zany situations with his pupils. They would play practical jokes on me and every time they called me “gringo”, I would give an annoyed smile and say “That’s Señor Gringo to you, muchacho!” and the audience would burst into applause. Or maybe not.

The point is, the opportunity arrived when, in all honesty, I never expected it would. I had thought about volunteering many times over the years, and put out feelers here and there on the interwebs, but never got very far with it. Then one day I came across this one particular site, sent an email, and shockingly, I got a response. Before I knew it, I was having a Skype conversation with one of the other volunteers. All of a sudden, everything got real. The emails continued, and before long I was checking out the cost of a plane ticket to Honduras. I checked out the typical travel websites, and could find nothing cheaper than $375 one way, and $755 round trip. Somehow it never occurred to me that the cost of the plane ticket would be that high. The doubts crept in. Maybe this is a sign I shouldn’t be considering this. If I’m this concerned over just the cost of the ticket, how am I going to manage 10 months at a volunteer job?

I was directed to the Spirit Air website. Holy guacamole. One way ticket to Honduras: $125. Can’t beat that with a stick, can I? So, there goes that excuse. Of course then, I had to quickly come up with other, more in-depth excuses as to why I shouldn’t go. I’m leaving a moderately comfortable existence to lead a moderately uncomfortable existence. For a whole 10 months. That’s almost a year, you know! I would be giving up one, or possibly 2 jobs in a very poor economy where some people can’t find any job anywhere. “What am I thinking?”, I often thought to myself. Oh yea; that’s what I’m thinking. I knew I had to make a decision. It wouldn’t be fair to leave the other volunteers hanging, wondering if they needed to look elsewhere or not. I was also sure that whatever decision I made, I had to be 100% committed to it. No turning back, no changing my mind. Especially if that decision was to go; it wouldn’t be fair to the kids if my heart wasn’t truly in it. I spoke to my friends and family about it, and it was mostly encouraging. Seems like a great opportunity, and at the very least, I get 10 months of teaching to add to my resume.

I’ve always had a problem figuring out what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I’ve never had a real clear direction; a passion for any particular career. That sucks. It really does. I envy the people who know what they want to do, and are doing it, and have absolutely no desire to ever do anything else. I think that would make my life so much easier. But alas, I don’t have that. Teaching is something that’s always been on my radar, but never really seriously considered. Volunteering to teach English around the world has been on my radar for quite a few years; but again, I never put much effort into pursuing it. What if I try it and hate it? What if I am a complete failure at it? Then what? But you know what I wasn’t thinking? What if I try it and LOVE it? What if I find out I was born to do it? THEN what? The opportunities are there;  just have to go for it. This is a door that’s opened when I never expected it to do so. Can I just slam it shut and forget it? Can I live with myself if I say I didn’t even try?

The kids. I’ve always gotten along well with children. I think it’s because I’ve never been afraid to get down to their level, and see them eye to eye. Maybe I just never really grew up. Maybe I didn’t want to, or was afraid to. Perhaps I see something in children that I don’t see in myself, and all adults, and I envy them for it. Not in a malicious way, but a “good for you, kid” kind of way. The kids at the school. They need people to help them. They need guidance, love, support; they need a chance. If I could help give that to just one of them, if I could change one kids life for the better, man, that would be something special. Not just to the kid, but to me as well. It would mean I changed someone’s world for the better. I improved that kid’s chance at succeeding in life. Life in this world can be a bitter, joyless, unbelievably depressing place. But at the same time, it can be wondrous; it can be magical. If you get the right breaks, it can be awesome. I’d like to be one of those lucky breaks for someone.

So, I’m gonna do it. I know all the negatives, all the things I’ll be missing; the conveniences, the closeness of family, the comfort of familiarity. But I also have hopes for what I’ll be replacing those things with. Purpose. Fulfillment. Meaning. Maybe it’s selfish. I’d like to think not.  But if helping someone else is what I need to help myself, and that is selfish, than that’s what I am. I’d like to be like Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap, only instead of changing the past, I’ll be changing the future. for these kids as well as myself. I’ve made a lot of poor choices in my life up until now, and lived with a lot of regrets. This is one decision that I think is right. God I hope so.